If I catch something that is done wrong digital marketing wise. I will write about it so you can learn about it. A PKDMA Original.
This is how I feel about this...
A part of what I do for my clients is go through their potential leads. Every once in a while you get the odd email or form entry from a digital marketing company.
Since I don't facepalm when an email is structured correctly and actually gives value, despite the fact that my client doesn't need them, they have me, you won't see me analyzing good emails on the #FacepalmFriday column. On the other hand, when I get a pile of shit that I can pick apart I feel compelled to make you smile, chuckle and cringe on the last day of the week. Think of it as a little break from what is probably either your busiest day or the day when you don't do anything, you are just thinking about the end of the week. Meaning you have time to read this, so let's get started!
This is the message that was left: (Don't worry you don't have to go through it. I will be picking it apart sentence by sentence for your enjoyment)
The Breakdown
Wow, so polite. But who really says “Good Day” anymore?
I Googled how many Indian People are named Max, like really named Max, no anglo-saxon nicknames. The answer is ZERO.
Reputable online marketing company based in India??? Really? Thank god I wasn’t drinking my morning chai latte. It would have shot out of my nose.
I usually delete these after I read so much BS in one sentence but decided to cringe through the pain, I wanted to see how bad it really gets. Oh boy did it get bad...
Fairly quickly… hmmm okay, so is that somewhat quickly or just fairly quickly cause my client wants results yesterday.
Top of the search rankings… really whoa! Okay wait let me get my “top of the search rankings” flag so I can shove it in my eye after reading this.
No long term contracts… Okay so you just take all my cc info and when I say “stop”, you “stop”. Seems legit.
Natural listings.. Huh, you know you could have used the thesaurus on just about every word here except that one. Cause everyone knows what Natural listings means organic results. It's so obvious, right?
Wait, so not only google but Yahoo and MSN!!!! Take my money!
More top rankings? Is that more than anyone else in the real world or the imaginary one in your head. We definitely need to talk. Talk about speaking to a psychologist.
Oh you can prove it… Okay sorry my bad, I’m listening...
No link farms and black hat methods?!?!? So what am I paying for???? I’m pretty sure you don’t know how to do anything else. Oh right you are trying to scam me… silly me.
Okay now I really think we need to talk. I need to save you because obviously you employer is holding you prisoner under some rock with no internet expect to send emails. The secret is out there. You obviously never heard of these amazing companies and websites that have amazing blogs: Moz, Ahrefs, Semrush, Searchengineland, Searchenginejournal, neil patel, backlino, yoast. I could go on...
Well we already established you aren’t doing anything. So awesome business plan!
Oh I’m sure you would…
Save money!!! Why didn’t you start with that I'm jewish you should have started with that! K hold on a sec looking for my bitcoin wallet.
I didn’t request anything, what is going on? Are we in a dream? Are you trying to incept me to give you money? OMG I’m falling into an inception marketing campaign. HELP! Wake up Philip, Wake up!
Don’t you already know what my website address is? You left your info in the contact form. On-my-website.
Hey man! I don’t just give my number away… I need to be wined and.... That’s it, just wined.
I bet you would… One thing though, you used the thesaurus wrong again. Scam isn't a synonym for serve. Oh I know what is wrong you forgot the qoutation markes you meant "serve", gotcha.
No no thank you! I got a laugh out of it. Hopefully my readers will too.
He or She added their name in the form as well. The IP was recorded and the geo location was India. Everyone say Hi to the only Max Williams in India.
I’m sure you can imagine why this gets me incredibly pissed. Even though I won’t call out the company. Honestly it really doesn’t matter, there are so many out there and a lot of them are here in north america not only in India even though the majority are from that region. Bottom line people are getting scammed into digital marketing services.
Hard working business owners that don’t understand how digital marketing works and think they found a great deal.
My mission is to stop that. If you know someone that needs to see this plesae share it with them. If you want someone that understands the business to laugh share it with them.
Don't forget sharing is caring.
Until next #FacepalmFriday. Have an amazing weekend or week (depending on when you read this.
- PK